#200: “Pornographic Rebranding”

Since its relaunch, Full Tilt Poker has missed a trick. It changed the names of its tournaments which was definitely a smart move. The problem is it changed the names to stupid stuff like ‘The Triceratops’, ‘The Unicorn’, ‘The Wednesday Wiggle’ and ‘The Kid On The Escalator’ (whatever the fuck that means!). The Full Tilt Poker Galway Festival is on at present and for that they have opted for the nut worst tournament name ever conjured. Yes, that’s right, every weekday at 3pm, you can play ‘The Daily Grind’, a name synonymous with laborious repetition, a word oozing with all the onomatopoeic charm of ‘belch’ or ‘plop’. They may as well have called it the Daily Go Kill Yourself. Seriously – It’s as if their marketing people had a collective stroke.

Well I think I have the solution. Rather than using terrible puns, incomprehensible references and fictional creatures as their sources of inspiration, Full Tilt should start naming their daily tourneys after pornographic (p)references. Think about it. We already use hole cams, we like to put it all in dominating and we’ve all done our fair share of dogging.

You could rename the 3 bullet re-entry game ‘The Triple Penetration’ while the Multi-Entry tourney would be rebranded ‘The Gangbang’. You could have ‘The Pacific Rimjob’ for all the players on the west coast of America and the Asian Creampie for those from the East who like a Shootout format. There could be a special railbird tourney called ‘The Voyeur’ and a super-deep stack slow structure tourney for the really tight players called ‘The Cameltoe’.

And what about ‘The Premature Ejaculation’ – a Hyper-Turbo Rush Freeze-out with a start time hours before any other decent games begins? ‘The Bukkake’ could be a single table tournament with the tag-line ‘for those who like to splash more than the pot’. And as for ‘The Honey Badger’, well they can leave that as is because I have no idea what it means but it sounds absolutely filthy.

Implementing these changes now would be very apt timing because rumour has it there’s going to be a big overlay on the UKIPT Galway Main Event, meaning loads of free money for the players. And if there’s one thing porn consumers and the poker public both love, it’s building a big stack while someone else is getting screwed.